Bright Orange Flowers

Like the Ocean.

2010-05-04T20:40:00.003-05:00

OK so ever feel like a wave?
I do. Not that I feel "tossed about," or whatever. But that I go out, and come back in. Out and in, out and in. I think that can be the motions of a woman with dreams who is at home with small children. I step out reaching for dreams, and back in reaching for home, back out for dreams, back in for home. Like the ocean. Out doing life, in to my Father's lap. Out to fight injustice, in to snuggle my son.
I think maturing can be evening out, at least on the inside. Where your mind is at rest and steady, no matter what is on the outside. That the priorities stay in place and never waver. That your focus is secure, that you run without fail. That you know your place in the world, and you don't even notice doubts that hover your way.
I am excited about growing older. I want to mature. I want to have peace and not feel so crazy inside. I want to figure a few things out. I think that is why i am happy to be almost thirty. I think 30-40 will be way cool.

ps i made chana masala tonight with chapatis and it was really good! I am proud of myself. And i still miss India.....
And i enrolled in classes for summer and fall. (i am gonna finish this AA dang it) And we have a nanny. :)

Spring in Chatfield (or Enjoying Chatfield in Spite of Not Finding any Morels)

2010-05-01T22:40:00.008-05:00

So we went on a hunt today for morels, which are a treasure to be found in the spring in Minnesota. It is one of these seasonal things that you have to do, that makes you feel secure. Plus they taste good, and you get to run around in the woods "hunting" but not with a gun. That makes me happy. I can barely get myself to even fish anymore. They way they look up at you with thier little eyes.....i am not a killer, well, mostly.
So morels look like this:

That was part of our loot from last year. It was glorious. Seriously.
So right now, the season is upon us. You have to act fast, ya know. But alas, going out with the kids and trying to find random wood that are not private property, with hungery kids.....didn't last long. But we made the best of it. By taking photos like this:

and this.....violets are in bloom everywhere. I had never noticed how many different shades there are, including yellow, different shades of purple, white and mixtures of white and purples...

And we finished the day eating pizza the doing things like this:

Hopefully we find some morels this spring otherwise we have to wait an entire year for them!

slow down, listen to the birds sing.

2010-04-29T20:14:00.007-05:00

The light is a bit yellow outside. The sun has set, but the spotty clouds are grey and are whispering "rain, rain". They have been whispering all day, but i think they are for real this time. This would be splendid light to photograph in....hmmmm.
No....don't feel like it.
My kids are running around in life jackets ? Perhaps they think it is going to flood?
Summer is upon us, and i am overwhelmed with all the summer camps. There is a summer camp for everything! I am tempted to sign up for one every week! But then i have to snap myself out of it. What is important? Can i please not create a busy insanity for my kids?! One thing i despise, yet fall into easily, is busyness. The empty spaces on my planner want to be filled in. But it is not enough to resist the over planning. Then we would just be sitting around the house, bored and crabby. No, i have to be intentional, about the things that DO matter. Like, "Mommy will you ride around the block with me?" Or, "Will you read me ONE more story?" Or having the time to listen, or to joke around with each other. So often it feel like my mind is racing. To the future, to MY dreams and desires. I am realizing how self centered i have been. Even as a wife and mother of 3, i find myself whining in my head, and thinking about when the kids are old enough to (fill in the blank). I am sad to say that i have thought like this for some time, but times they are a change'in. Well, i hope. I guess all i can do is pray, and ask God to change me, open my eyes more, and help me to make the right decisions. I fall so easily if I get off focus. My kids need to know that i love them, more than i love myself.......
I think it is just that i long for adventure, and i guess i don't feel like i am living one. Busyness is "mock- adventure".
Boooooo for mock adventure! Give me something REAL! Something gritty and strong! Bring it! Bring the rain!
I'll be ready, with my children under my wings, close to my heart.

About the trip....

2010-04-25T15:11:00.004-05:00

So i went to India and then i came back. Now what? Here i am again in my house, in my neighborhood, in my family.
Hmmmm. It didn't take me long to turn back into an ornery mom..but lets not talk about that, OK?

Sooooo, there are hundreds of things I could write about my experience. I could write about leaving my tiny kiddos and how i cried before my plane took off over the Pacific. How i imagined plane troubles, terrorists, and never coming home. I could write about circling Delhi, looking at it from above and crying because I was there, hovering over some part of myself i knew was there all along. Some part of me that longs to be born. Or about everything India and all the INTENSE everything. The charm of the head wobble and the beautiful clothing :) Or less pleasant things that i wouldn't want to blog about.....
Or how darling my aunt and uncle are, how they fascinate me. How i sat mesmerized for hours on end with stories of the past and present. How i felt like a precious treasured granddaughter, how they spoiled me so.
All i know is that i am still processing it all. So much came at me so fast....I may just take pieces and write about them here and there. We'll see....

But i want to go back, and go everywhere else...... I want to bring my family, and have adventures! I want to break out of my box, more and more. I want to grow up, follow my dreams, go for the gold, ya know?

2010-02-12T22:37:00.004-06:00

So, i think i need to write. Because....
.my brain is overloaded with thoughts, because i just want to go to sleep but i am not tired, because i just want to lay down in green grass and take a nap, but i can't. I have been cooped up in my house for months and i want to SCREAM, because you can just eat so much health food, and then you must digest, because the dishes are looking at me and i don't want to wash them, because the laundry is doing the same thing, and that huge mark on the wall that i need to get off somehow, because i don't really like shopping, and i'd rather be on a beach with music and friends, and because i want to be a happy joyful mother and wife, and my fuse is a bit too short these days.

And writing makes me happy, eventually. when i get to the "release-type part", whatever that is. You know what i mean, right? So where was I? something about writing......

This is what i think. I think minnesota is a great place to cultivate patience and character probably. That is my 2 props for MN right now. I have way more in the summer.

OK i don't really want to write anymore, but hey, look at this picture.

It is my grandparents with Winter. They are in Heaven now, but they just loved her so much :)

around here you might see.......

2009-10-22T21:07:00.012-05:00

An amazing building, probably at least 100 years old, (that would cost a couple million on the west coast, at least, and would make anyone a GRAND home) used for storage.
or

a peculiar antique shop the sells the old things that the old house used to hold.

So happy!

2009-10-22T21:04:00.002-05:00

i am so happy because.........my photos can upload!!!!!!!
I couldn't figure it our for a long time and gave up. Then i tried yesterday, and TADA, it worked. So i am going to write more on here and add photos along the way. yay!

I like to copy rachel (because she is the coolest)

2009-03-14T00:48:00.002-05:00

so she is doing some thing involving writing down daily graces- blessings. so here i go.

-I got to read to winter this morning to help her with her presentation today- in peace!!! this is a miracle. ( i am usually interupted 50 times per page)
her presentation was on JOhn Deere- the man. , for her entrepenuership class at homeschool coop. She had to pick a person, she picked him. pretty cool i thought. very winter. she was sad thought that she couldn't find her john deere shirt, which is also very winter.
-last day of coop, ahhhhhhhh, all done. it was cute to see her standing next to all her art- very proud like. I love to see her grow, and learn. She is an amazing girl.
-i got and hour on a great playground today with serenity and issac, it was glorious, warm, and tons of fun.
-and.....playing silly games with lots of funny people tonight, and good friends.

now i must go to sleep, besides, my battery is almost dead!

snippets of my journey

2009-03-13T23:17:00.006-05:00

I am sitting, on my piano bench, turned toward this beautiful table that i have been trying to sell, to help me get to india.

I am listening to Alexi Murdoch- Orange Sky, All my Days, etc. I like his sound. God caught me last night, in the car by myself, which is how he likes to woo me lately, with Orange Sky. anyhow, that is how i found this artist.

Does God just ever catch your heart, and you want to cry and cry? Here He is. He just can do that, melt your heart, and I see his love everywhere, and it moves me. Sometimes i have been in church and just crying and crying, people come up to me thinking i need prayer for something, or like I am repenting of something, and i am like, God is just so beautiful, he is just so beautiful.

The other day the holy spirit said "why do you pretend like you don't know me?" which made me really sad. Because I do. He was right. And i realized that i was hurt a while back, and blamed it on him. It felt like he always asks too much, and alienates me from my family, so I stopped trusting him, or my ability to hear him right. And i have shrivled up, and walk like a zombie (not that bad, but you get the idea). I know him, i can feel him, i know where i am supposed to be, I just keep him at arms length. Anyhow, bit by bit, door by door, he is coming back into my life. He does Facinate me. I am facinated. I want to dive into the ocean of him, and go deeper and deeper. I mean, what are we here for? People, stuff, nothing satisfies but him. Why not overdose on God, become possesed by him, be driven by a holy addiction? Passionate in your pursuit of him, relentless, unyeilding, persistant. I starve for him. And here he is, not far, all consuming.
All i need to say is Yes. and open my hands, and my heart, my very being. Consume me God, Come, let me be your dwelling place. And he does. This life can be an incredible journey, even if you never leave your town. Because it is a journey into the heart of God, into the hidden world, the only one that lasts.
Here we see in part, and then we shall see fully, yet now our spirit sits in heavenly places.

SAddness

2009-03-13T00:21:00.003-05:00

blogger won't upload my photos. I don't know why. That's why i have that little flickr thing on the side. What a mess. THis makes me sad. Maybe i can recruit techno wiz husband extraordinaire to help me with this. He is so much better and quicker than I in these matters.

Sometimes i think i am kinda scatterbrained, or get "too many irons in the fire", that's what my mom says. Anyhow, i find myself keeping secrets from people about my life, not because i am doing bad stuff or what ever, i just get real visionary and active, and get "too many irons......" and well, some times i just talk about doing things, and then i do too many things, and well, i guess it maybe is just embarrassing. but i would rather learn the hard way sometimes. Anyhow, i just am afraid of the look on people's faces sometimes. And then the look haunts me. So, i am driven! So what. You might think i am mellow on the outside, but i am really like one of those volcanoes, that maybe isn't so obvious on the outside (if those exist)

Gosh i sure am rambling.

OK, this is my official rambling entry.

Goodnight.

ODE TO GRANNY/ open letter

2009-02-26T22:49:00.001-06:00

My Granny can cook up a mean country breakfast, and she always has cookies in the gallon jar. She can knit and garden, bake home made bread, you name it she can do it.
She told me once that she used to make bed sheets from old flour sacks, and sew her own underwear.

She’ll always greet you with a strong hug saying, “Give us a squeeze.” And she doesn’t mind pinching anyone’s ass. She’s not afraid to say what she thinks, and don’t worry, she will.

She loves to tell stories from the past and I love to hear them. She talks about her sisters and brothers, her parents, their siblings, and on and on. She has photos, too. She’d love to show them to you.

She is strong, and will overcome anything. I know a few young ladies who have inherited that gene.

She has poured out her life in service to others, whether helping raise her own siblings, or working as a nurse, having her own family, to caring for ailing in-laws, and serving her own brothers at the farm.

Though life is hard, Granny always knows it could be worse. You can always count on her to joke around, no matter what the circumstance.

Crooked Creek Church is where she wants to be Sunday morning, just like she has been for so many years. Of one thing I am sure, Granny has faith, I can see it in her eyes. And when things are hard, and we can’t find words to express, I am comforted to know, that this is where God still speaks in his still small voice.

May God Himself be your comfort through this time.

We love you.

A Father and his child.

2009-02-09T22:48:00.002-06:00

The other day we were at the skating rink in town. It is an indoor rink, where many award winning skaters are born, as well as champion hockey teams. We were there at an open skate, just fooling around, giving our kids the chance to get comfortable on skates and have fun. At one point I was on the sidelines with my youngest, and i looked up and was awestruck. Now don't get me wrong, there are talented skaters even in open skate- spinning, twirling and lutzing around. That is fun to watch, but this was different. It was as if everyone on the ice was in slow motion, and here was a young father, probably a star hockey player not long ago, bobbing and weaving, soaring above and below everyone, round and round the rink, at a speed at least 10 (probably 20)times faster. I don't even know if those around saw him, they certainly didn't seem to. He was just so fast, but we had an outside view and it was stunning. Not just his skating, which was so powerful, and graceful at the same time. I don't know if I've ever seen that before, but it was the fact that he was holding his son, probably 2 or 3 years old. He had skates on too, and his father would hold him up high and then low so his skates could touch the ice. A perfect dance. And to see the look on his son's face, hands held out. He knew he was flying...no he was soaring, carried by the strength of his father. All thrills and joy, no fear. Complete trust. It was beautiful. I couldn't help but cry. I'll never forget the mixture of grace and strength the father had, and I'll never forget the look on his son's face. The purest joy on earth.

I want to soar like that.

25 random things about me.

2009-02-02T10:40:00.000-06:00

in case you didn't read this on facebook.............

1. usually i take bugs outside, instead of kill them. (unless they are house centipedes, because they are hideous!, and make my skin crawl, i think they are a result of sin entering the world)
2. I love burnt orange-it's my favorite color.
3.I think about the ocean alot- huges waves, rocks- i yearn for it actually.
4.I grew up on a dairy farm, and am pround to be a native minnesota hillbilly.
5.i have a really wierd dent in the back of my head, i have a friend that used to rub it for good luck.
6. i used to be in gymnastics and volleyball in junior high.
7. I almost always make decisions based on feelings, which is confusing sometimes. especially to my husband., he is like a rock to me, when i am tossed about in emotion.
8. Sometimes i think i want to have a farm with chickens and sheep, and a huge garden.
9. Other times i think i might be lonely in the country, and am thankful for city life and next door neighbors.
10. I spend alot of time thinking about faith, and jesus, life, and death.
11. I get restless alot, especially sunday nights.
12. I have a big scar on my foot from sliding down the car windshield and getting stuck in the windshield wiper, when i was 3.
13. I have a really strange story about being electrecuted while i was sleepwalking. (you can ask me sometime- hence the scar in my lip)
14. We lived so rural growing up, that my birthday parties were in the newspaper, along with who attened, and what was served.
15. I like graveyards.- but not in a dark sick way.
16. I love to travel, and see new places, new people, new everything- but i also like coming home.
17. I love everything creative.
18. I have ridden in an ambulance twice.
19. I have been in lots of car accidents, .............and gotten alot of tickets.
20.I love to look at nature close up, like the delicate patterns on a leaf, and then look up at the sky, and think about the cosmos.
21. I haven't been to any of the 10,000 lakes in minnesota, ...yet. ( which makes me feel like a tourist in my home state.)
22. I would rather pay a little more for something quality, but i by most things second hand, or get them off freecycle.
23. I like eggplant- mostly because its purple, and shiny.
24. I love books, when you find the right one at the right time.- but not fiction, really.
25. I barely ever have matching socks, unless i grab them out of my mom's sock drawer.

I am a dirty rotten thief!

2009-01-07T17:01:00.002-06:00

Good thing Jesus likes sinners, cause, I am very naughty.
It seems like i have let things slip, yes, I need help.
Today i was in the grocery store, and, well, I was given absolutely too much change, and well, I thought, (sweet! ok try to look cool) and i kindly smiled at the checker and said "have a nice day, " and left!
Can you believe that! I used to have somewhat of a conscience!
I was debating the ethics of it all in my mind as i drove home, and when i came in the door Derek was ironing his work shirt. I casually said, funny thing happened at the store...) and went on into the details. His jaw dropped, and he was like "what!, you stole that money!"
A bit shocked at his conviction, i was like "really, um, yeah, i guess you are right."

I kind of talked myself into it being Ok. I was just thinking," cool, we totally need the money." but i guess that was not right. We used to have a word for that at the Land. Since everyone was accustomed to living homeless and penniless, when someone would come across something someone else left on the couch or something, they'd be like "groundscore!" meaning, "yippie, i needed one of those!" People used to get this silly notion, that if they prayed for something, and then found it somewhere, that God was answering thier prayers, OH yes praise the Lord. But really, it was stealing.

So i'm thinking that perhaps, when the checker at the store messes up and gives you too much money, well, maybe that is NOT a gift from God, but rather a test of your honesty!

HMMM this is not brain surgery. Even my kids know better.

Why i do what i do.

2009-01-02T22:43:00.002-06:00

Sometimes its good to remind myself of what i am doing and why. so When voices come out of the air, and have all of their belittling, accusing, degrading tones (like voices do) i can hold my head high, like i should.

What exactly is a "house-wife", "stay-at home mom", or a "homemaker". I personally like "domestic artist", because it feels dignified, and fancy, and talented. Which is how it should feel, right? For some reason, when people ask me what i do, i get this kind of ewww, feeling, and think "i just stay home with the kids". People ask me, "Don't you go crazy?" and i think, "ya sometimes", but that doesn't mean i should quit, right? a family isn't something you just walk out on. You can't just say "well i guess this is not my gift, maybe i'll go try scuba diving" God had trusted me with his children, he must think i have what it takes somewhere inside, to do this thing. Family life is something you have to look straight in the face, and wrestle, and win. You must, the lives of your children are at stake, here. I like the challenge, i like the mystery. A house-wife isn't all that i am, not in the least, but how can i do anything else, if i suck at homemaking? How can i help others, if my own family is in shambles. not cool, no, not cool. So i really have no choice, but i am glad, because there have been, and continue to be, so many hidden treasures in this thing, treasures i wasn't expecting.

There are great mysteries hidden inside of a family. When my husband holds me, I feel the loving arms of GOd, lover and Friend. When we love each other, there becomes some mysterious stability, that makes all the children at ease. And there is safety within a family, we are all in this together. I am free to pour out all the love i have, no one laughs, and it all ends up coming back to me in the end. I can be dead honest, and its OK. My husband loves me, and values my words, and feelings, and he can handle them. And when i honor, respect and trust my husband, I do so to God. When i feel the great love in my heart for my children, I feel God's great love for me. I co-labor with God, as he shows me individual strengths, weaknesses, abilities, and destinies. I am priviledged, to pray with the holy spririt for each of them. And i will always walk beside them, their biggest cheerleader, as the holy spirit does with us. As i teach the children how to relate with on another, We are humbled to realize jesus is our brother, as well as king. It is my Absolute Joy, to harness all of my wild and ravenous ambitions, and then gently and completely release them into my children.

There is so much in this, so much going on, i cannot think of doing anything else. In a blink, my kids will be old. and all of thier impressionableness, will be lost(somewhat). like hard cement. If there is one thing i do in my life, right, this must be it. It has to be.

So i fumble around, feel like i am losing my mind, often. Say sorry a million times. And teach and learn. When a child looks up at me, a mere two feet tall, big brown eyes, chubby cheeks- I am his world, and i create his world with my choices. He will meet his maker, through me, through us. Better make this a loving safe place, for them to grow, like delicate shoots, just sprouting from the ground. They will need water, sun, pruning, alot of work.....and we will see the fruit, and it will feed nations.

I think i might fly

2009-01-01T20:12:00.003-06:00

I am excited for
spring, and summer, sunshine and green grass.
riding my bike, with warm air on my face
canoeing down rivers, and watching birds.
airplanes, cars, trains
oceans, mountains, sand and warm rain
the world touching my new eyes
I long for the sound of big waves,
playing with barefoot children,
Exploring the world ahead and all around.
I feel so small, and yet my dreams feel so big inside of me.

It is funny how we can get so used to seeing things, and expecting things to be.
It seems so natural to define things in our minds and compartmentalize. Create boxes to put information in and label them.

But I am so freed by "judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts."

I love that, because it frees me. Judging is never our job. things are not always as they seem. It is our job to reconcile others to God, period. There is a day called judgement day in the future, and even then, we are not the judge of the hearts of men, only God. Isn't that freeing? Our job is to love, period.

Now i can stop being so crabby.

Without measure

2008-12-31T17:07:00.005-06:00

I wonder if i should create a title before or after writing.
It seems best to wait until after,
anyways,
Here comes the new year. 2010? no 2009 right.

I feel so oblivious to time, ...sometimes. I remember feeling the difference in time when my first child was born. I felt like the days went by faster, but slower at the same time. Slower in a sense, that I could spend an hour staring at her beautiful face, slower in the sense that my mind slowed down, and i could take so much joy in things I normally passed by. Nothing fast interested me anymore. But at the same time, it was fast, because a day would pass, without it seeming like a got anything "done."

I have heard people say, when you become a mother, days are long and years are fast. I guess that makes sense. It seems like time accelerates the longer you live.

At certain times in my life, a week can seem like light-years away, because so much can change in a week. Yet other times, a year can go by, and i think "what have i changed this year? am i closer to my dreams?"

For a while now i have felt like I have been in this haze, or storm or something. Like, i know where God's hand is, right by me leading me, but i cannot see a thing, and nothing makes sense. I know that my foundation in faith has grown and matured somewhat. I know my roots have grown deeper. But now i feel new freedoms here and there. and now it feels like i am pushing up hard soil, the sun in view. Soon i shall have the sun on my face, and blossom into some beautiful flower planted in my soul.

Maybe i am laughing at the days ahead, like in proverbs. That's kind of how i feel. And chains that have so often held me, are a joke now. Like, "yeah right, I know where i am going, and it is OK, I know who is with me."

I think a resolution I'll have, is to stop measuring.
Measuring myself to others, or others to others.
Measuring time, and drawing false conclusions. There is always time. And it is never too late. And I don't believe there is some magic AGE. Like at 30.... then i can. Or I should have done ....by 25. Or 40 is old. Some people are so old by 20, and others so young at 95.
We are forever young with God, maybe wiser sometimes.

anyhow....
May this new year bring you Closer to the One who loves you, with an unending love, without measure.
peace.

what WOULD jesus do?

2008-11-23T14:36:00.003-06:00

I wonder what Jesus would have been like, if he had a wife and children.
What kind of wife would she be?
What would her personality be like?
Would she ever freak out? and how would he react to it?
Would he change diapers? Would he wash dishes?
Would he Have a home business?
Would he heal people at the grocery store, while he held a tired child in his arms, and had another one bowling with oranges in aisle 6?
Maybe his children would be perfect, because He is. But what does that mean?
Children are children, messy and beautiful.
Maybe he would eat organic?
Maybe he wouldn't! Ah..... the horror, boo hiss.

Maybe i should draw a picture of jesus pushing a shopping cart, with a baby in a backpack, and
He would definatley be smiling. Maybe glowing, with one of those catholic halos on top of his head.

I just wonder how he would be, in the midst of this mundane life i seem to be in the middle of. Because if i knew that, then i wouldn't be so confused.

Oh wait......
If I am with him, and he with me, i will become more and more like him, sanctified. and Oh yeah, He'll change me. I don't have to change myself. Oh yes surrender. So its kind of a scary mysterious adventure, where he leads the way and i have to trust him.

How do I FORGET these things????!!!!!!

PHOTOS.....finally.

2008-10-19T18:40:00.004-05:00

I feel like this alot

2008-10-06T10:15:00.003-05:00

not so much with poetry, but dreams, aspirations, ambitions, strong STRONG desires to change things, DO something........
and then i stop and breathe, and love this moment.

this woman is amazing

What my second daughter is like.

2008-08-26T22:19:00.000-05:00

she is like fireworks
beautiful, shocking, awe inspiring, and loud.

she is like chocolate
sweet, rich, and brown

she is like a figure skater
graceful and daring

she is like curious george
very curious, and quite agile.

she is like a mother
tender and caring

She is like wilbur the pig
"HUMBLE" and "TERRIFIC"

She is like her Dad
harnessing mountainous strength, when she acts in gentleness.

She is my daughter. I stand amazed.

miracle rambling

2008-06-21T22:56:00.005-05:00

i have been pondering lately, about miracles, and where God is, and where i want to be.

I met a man a few nights ago, who is the leader of a house church network, (and just happens to be able to see angels, and has been to heaven, and has talked with jesus face to face various times- not that that really matters in my story, but it was kind of facinating) Anyhow, he was at a meeting once and jesus walked up to him and said "you see all these people run here and there in search a signs, and miracles, yet they fail to see the miracle in a life that is transformed" Well that was the beginning of his path towards the house church thing.

I have been thinking of my neighbor from when i was young, who just died. He was a simple man, who rarely left his farm, his ENTIRE life. he died at 93. You can see the log cabin, where he was born, from his grave. Today it serves as someones shed, yet once it held a family,and sheltered them from the fierce minnesota winters.

I am thinking of children we are about to open our hime to. Children from who knows where, in need of a safe place. and of the children in the world, that go with out food, and are sold into slavery, and aren't valued.

There are people with whom the world would like to ignore, would like to get rid of, would like to die. People who are incovienient, or bother us, make us feel uncomfortable. People who require too much, people in need.
Maybe it is a person who is "handicapped" in some way, but independant. Maybe they are not in need, but we need them- in reality.

I think i would much rather be spending my entire life, seeking out the "nobodies, unwanted, and untouchables" , than spend one moment of my time with the "rich and famous- so- and so's."

I think mother theresa said once "it is poverty, that someone would have to die, so that we can live how we please"

I think that God is with the "nobodies", and that is where i want to be.

I have always had this weird feeling, (i always interpret it as arrogance) that if i was my true self, all my potential, i'd be famous. -And that always freaked me out, because, yikes, what would happen to me? i don't know if i could handle that. (maybe i should get counseling . he he.)

Well, really. I don't give a rip about being famous. I'd much rather not be. I enjoy, sweet moments with the Lord, when no one is watching. And pouring my life out, within the walls of my home.
And sweet moments with my children.
Laying down YOUR life, so that others might live.
That is miraculous.
That is touching God.

If you were here.....

2008-04-20T21:18:00.003-05:00

You would see me....... talking with my neighbors
You would feel the sun shining on my front porch as issac and i sit on the steps and watching people walk by
You would talk to my mail man. He walks from house to house, greeting people by thier first name
You would hear the sound of lawn mowers
and smell someone grilling near by
You would see (and hear) us walking through the neighbors yard, because the dog got out, again.
You would love all the old doors in my neighborhood that are rounded at the top, making you wonder why they still don't make doors like that!
You would see sidewalks and hear many different bird songs.
You would see American flags.
and backyard playgrounds.

If you were here, you might think, "I love it here, this is perfect", and feel like this is only the beginning.

Yeah my house!

2008-04-18T21:22:00.003-05:00

I really like my house. and i like it even more now. We just had 2 weeks of crazy construction stuff around here. Tons of men with tools, in and out of the house, saying things like "How would you like this?, and Have you picked your colors yet?, and "what were you thinking for the kitchen?" and "We're done for today, see you tomorrow!". it was pretty nice, i feel spoiled. I won't go into alot of detail, don't want to brag or anything. But do feel free to come for a visit anytime. I can share my house, really.

And, yes it IS spring! after that last post, it snowed again, ....and again. but i think that it is absolutley done now. (I mean really, it's totally uncalled for. this is april dang it.) we have all these little green leaves pushing up to the sky around the edge of our fence. Most likely we'll see some flowers when they are done. I can't wait to find out what they are.

Derek is working at a nusery in town, while he contiunes to go to school full time. Which means, PLANTS!, and nice yard (because he'll know how to take care of things) I like this. This is good. This makes wife happy.

Oh and if anyone is interested (which i can think of only one person who might be) i have started using a website called www.amblesideonline.org in schooling the kiddos. And well this is one of my full time jobs (teacher), and i get a bit excited about it. I don't use the entire site, but the method fits our family better than any other, and i think the time has come to get a tad more structured in school.

um de dum. well i am just blabbing. I really need a little social time. (i'd love to meet you at panera, lisa!)
Maybe next time i'll write something creative, entitled something like
"ode to my house"
or "Oh, how i love thee, house, let me count the ways"
or maybe "A day in the life...shauna and her house"

It's Spring!

2008-03-30T21:36:00.002-05:00

About time!

I never realized the bummer weather of minnesota, until i left of course. I had gotten used to being able to go outside any month of the year, and relax. I love going for walks, or bike rides. I despise the car. and riding around in it, with my kids all strapped in like we are on a dangerous carnival ride or something. I would much rather go slow. Walk, look at passers by in the eyes and smile. Notice things that you don't while in the car. i even like public transportation. Yeah, its the way to live.

Today we went for our first family walk of the year. Well, the first one that didn't end with frozen hands, and crying kids.
We could have kept walking all day. It was glorious!

The girls rode thier bikes, and we pushed isaac in his umbrella stroller. And we ended up at our new favorite place to eat. Yummy real mexican fish tacos! Need i say more?

Winter bought herself a nice guitar the other day, and daddy is giving lessons! (ps she is really becoming a gorgeous little woman, but don't tell her i said so, she'll get pretty embarrased.)

Mr son is talking! And i just realized that he knows many body parts, because if you ask him "where is your ear?" and so on, he knows it all!! Brilliant! I always knew he was.

and middle daughter? She is also becoming quite a charming lady. She takes a ballet class, and its her favorite! She's a natural, and will probably take lessons for a while. And i am pretty convinced that her training wheels will be off soon.

Peace to you all
We love you, love you
night night

how do you know?

2008-03-17T22:23:00.002-05:00

i just had some thoughts going through my mind , So i thought i'd write them out.

How do you know that you are drinking from the stream of living water? In other words, how do you know you are on the right path?

well.....the right path is.....
a path that makes you die everyday. And submit your will, to His.
A path in which you don't know the answers, but you know the One who does.
a path where salvation is a gift, and there is nothing you can do to attain more.
a path that you can only travel on through One door, and His name is Jesus.

A path that draws you low, and low, and lower still.

Jesus said,
The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls, and upon finding one pearl of some great value, he went and sold all he had and bought it.

Nothing compares to the love of the Father.

ihop

2008-03-11T23:16:00.002-05:00

i am at this very minute in the prayer room at ihop. i am not sure if it is ok to blog in here, but i thought it would be cool.
somehow, God carried us down here. We had no money, no time, a new puppy, i don't know. Somehow, for some reason we are here.
So we are here......listening.
And we love Jesus, more and more.

peace

What have we been doing?

2008-03-03T21:21:00.004-06:00

Just in case you have been wondering.......

currently i am listening to some african music from Derek's world music class, while he does algebra, and isaac dances.
I love how little kids instinctively dance to music. I think isaac even danced to the washing machine once.

Latley we have been (i have been) getting better at homeschooling winter, and serenity has started a workbook, which is her "school" she's so ecstatic, it's cute.

Our sweet friends from Milwaukee came to visit with thier sweet kids. We had such a fruitful, warm and gooey time. We played cheezy games, and ate together. and talked. I had an especially great time with Lisa. (I love you Lisa!)

I have realized a pretty important thing about motherhood/ and wifeness. Well the bottom line is creating an atmosphere. So Derek can come home to a peaceful haven. Which involves keeping everyones bellys full of yummy food. Sounds silly, but the atmosphere is pretty lame when everyone is always hungry, and i am off doing my own thing. So i made a meal plan, woohoo. Our lives have been changed!

Singing and drumming in the Rochester House of Prayer, which sounds fancy, but is just a few folks of various ages, and denominations, singing to jesus together.

Not visiting the farm. I love you farm and i miss you. (note to self: must visit farm soon)

Taking Serenity to dance/ music class, and meeting interesting folks in the waiting room.

Making new friends, inviting lots of people to my home, despite all my messes, and letting my roots grow without fear- because heaven is my home.

pretty

2008-02-09T23:27:00.000-06:00

I have been spending the last, i don't know, like many years, i think, whisking from here to there, dragging my tired body around, lucky to get out of my front door, kind of style. my hair usually back in one of those not-so-commited pony tails, where the hair hasn't quite finished going through the holder. and my clothes, well, definately not in style, probably not even very clean,(most likely having some form of baby snot, or smeared food on them) but on at least.

I am trying to pay a bit more attention to my looks. Maybe that sounds silly. But today i wore two pretty colored shirts (a long sleeve under a short sleeve) and a pretty necklace, and jeans and nice shoes. everything was mostly clean. i still had on the not-so-commited pony tail hiding my close to dreading hair, but it was a start.

i used to spend lots of time being creative with my wardrobe. Today when i was attemping to look fun and creative, i was like "oh there you are shauna, nice to see you after all this time" It was nice to express myself. Theraputic in another way.
Don't get me wrong, i definatley don't want to spend hours gauking in the mirror, or be immodest or whatever.

But It is nice to feel pretty.

an amish paradise

2008-02-02T14:19:00.000-06:00

Have I ever mentioned that we live NEAR an amish paradise?

I had almost forgotten, because we moved into an urban area a few months ago. In someplaces nearby, you can buy canned things, bread, quilts, furniture from amish folks. There are signs on the sides of the road, indicating that you should watch for carts and buggies. You come upon these beautifully kept up farms, usually white houses, with hitching posts outside, and no sign of any electric or phone line.
And you will most likely see hitching posts at the grocery stores too. And beautiful children, with handmade bonnets, little boys with black pants, blue shirts and suspenders. Men with long facial hair, and a tape measure always fastend at the side.
And you may even hear a little German.

I was reminded yesterday, because we went on a long drive yesterday on roads which cut through the frozen cornfields of iowa. A LONG drive, got lost once. All to find our PEARL of great price. Our puppy. Yes we have a puppy now, and We named her Pearl. and We bought her from a Mennonite family. It was fun. And She is fun. Serenity is in heaven. Pearl a very little white Bichon Frisse, kind of like a poodle i guess, but we vow not to shame her with the poodle hair cut, or the bichon frisse haircut for that matter. Yup.

Our family is growing.

tie tie

2008-02-01T02:32:00.000-06:00

We have a way, around this house, of shortening or rhyming all our words. If you were in our home, you may think we have our own language- and we do.
let me translate for you:

tie tie = tired
ga ga= i am feeling kind of mushy, and i love you right now
nayb= neighbor

A typical conversation (or convo) might sound something like

ME: "Who wants a little juicy juice juice with thier cake pakes? "
Daughter 2: "Mmmm gaga."
ME: "i love you too, sweet pete"
Daughter 1: "oh look, the nayb is out with his snowblower!"
the Dad: "sweetness"
small boy: ahh (pointing at cake pakes, because he wants one)

Now i must sleep, because i am TIE TIE.
goodnight

CRAZY MINNESOTANS!

2008-01-30T11:22:00.000-06:00

people are weird here, and really nice too.
look at this
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZ8PrELc4-A
(sorry i don't know how to do the clever link thing)

my only son

2008-01-29T22:33:00.000-06:00

I love having a son. After having two girls. I am in love with my son.
I love his breath, even after having a whopping 6 teeth, his breath still smells like a baby. Perfect.
I love how he comunicates. If body language really is like 90% of communication, he has got all 90% down pat. Its that pesky 10% of speech he has yet to conquer.
I love his drunken laughing, when he is so happy that he's beyond happy. like when he is in the bathtub late at night with bubbles. he just laughs and laughs and laughs.
I love that fact that, when eating at the table, he holds his utensil with his right hand, patting the food with it and atemping to pick it up, all the while knowing that it is just practice and he will eventually pick the food up with his left hand to eat.
I love that he loves to stand on his stool in the kitchen and watch everything i do.
I love that if you offer him two choices of food, he will choose the bigger one.
I love the little grunting man noises he makes, and has made since ever since i can remember.
I love that he is sensitive, though it would be hard not to be in this house. his sensitive dad is always kissing him, and taking off his shirt so that thier bare skin can touch, like when he was a newborn. he also has two older sisters to nurture him, and teach him how to swaddle baby dolls.
I love those big brown eyes, and wispy baby curls.
and how his smile seems to disable gravity, and i am suddenly in a much better place.

I love my son.

me and my computer

2008-01-29T22:10:00.000-06:00

I don't know if i've told you, but my computer and i have a love/ hate relationship. I wonder if anyone else can relate.

love because my computer is a doorway for me into a world of "everything at my fingertips", all the information i could possibly need, or want. it is so convienent for types of things like "when is the date of that class thing?" or "What is that one guys name in seattle?, and how can i contact him" or "what is going on in who knows where in the world?" and lots of other seemingly important stuff.

hate because it sucks me in and won't let go, ahhhhhhh. i tend to run to it with all my questions and spend way to much time on it, meanwhile my kids are trying to talk to me, and the dishes pile and pile.

then i think, "i don't like you mr computer. you keep me from my family, and the fresh air, and steal my time and never give it back. i am gonna toss you out!" But i know that there will be a time when i think, "geez, i wish i had a computer. you can do so much with a computer."

And so the computer stays. I haven't really found the answer to this dilema, yet. Though it helps having it in the basemnt so it isn't always staring at me upstairs, saying "psst come over here, don't you want to hang out?" i cannot hear its enticing whispers as well when it is locked up in the basement dungeon.

Naughty Naughty Computer.

...boom... splash...yikes

2008-01-20T19:09:00.000-06:00

sometimes i have these days where i get so frustrated with life. with the mundane

everyone seems to go so fast in thier own directions, never looking each other in the face.
when i get out on the road, with no one else in the car, i think about stuff like that, and wish we were all walking instead of being in cars, and there were benches so people could rest and chat.
I get so tired of myself, and the way that i see the same things over and over, but never do anything to change. I get tired of seeing people in wheelchairs, and feeling the voice of God say pray for them, and i say no. I am such a wimp, so terrified, of what? of failing? not being amazing? What if i speak and nothing happens? I guess i am in a school of faith. God is constant and faithful to not give up on me. he keeps leading me into his ways. Its good to remember this is a school, and my failures are just building blocks.

But my soul yearns for something greater. the kingdom wants to explode from within me. like a river thats dammed up, but all that pressure is gonna break the wall someday.

If i could let a trickle out, that would be progress.

All my cool skills

2008-01-15T22:31:00.000-06:00

I learn alot here at home
these are some sweet skills i've picked up

*conflict resolution skills
*time management skills
*people management skills
* teaching skills
* cooking skills
* laundry skills
* resource$ mangagemnt skills
* cleaning skills
*hospitality skills
*gardening skills (come spring)
* home maitenence skills
*administrative skills

Not to mention the "oldies but goodies" that are more like plants that are constantly growing in our home, than a mere skill.
like
love love and more sacrificial love
patience
self control
joy
rest
ecstatic joy
thankfullness
faithfulness

Oh the benefits of family life!!!!!!!

My lovely weekend

2008-01-13T19:42:00.000-06:00

i had a LOVELY weekend. we went to a retreat center thing with a bunch of folks from our church and just hung out and played games, and music, went sledding and played broom ball (which is like hockey, except no skates-just shoes on ice, and brooms and a ball). no agenda. i loved it! it felt like living in community again, for a second.

and we just got to know people so much better. It was real. mmmmmmm. woohoo. i'm happy.

and i love our church! i love our pastor! i love him love him. he is so unashamedly smitten in love with God. and he can take the most offensive thing in the old testament, and bring it to life. to life i tell you! we are in a good place.

and .....some people in our church want to live in intentional community, which made me a bit EXCITED! So we'll see. anyhow, i love my church!

Resolutions anyone?

2008-01-06T18:06:00.000-06:00

i guess it is 2008. i haven't really grasped that yet.
we were out of town for the new year and probably sleeping when the ball dropped. and then we all got sick, which always makes me glad (in a way) because i remember that we barely ever get sick, and i get thankful for the grace of health.

I think we are all better now. and all the ickies cleaned up.
How bout some new years resolutions? sure ok.

THIS NEW YEAR I RESOLVE TO...

...make efforts to love people more, especially my family.
...invite friends over more for meals
...write more letters
...take more pictures
...get better at cleaning my house (that will be hard, but inviting others over is a good motivation.)
...kiss my husband more
...go for more walks with my kids
...fast and pray until i see the face of God

i think that is pretty good.

beauty to share

2007-12-21T18:49:00.000-06:00

Sometimes i want to write, but i feel like i have nothing beautiful to share.
and then i imagine myself like a flower opening up, one petal at a time, until all of myself is stretched wide open, face to the sun soaking in all the warmth, inviting all the day has to give.
I am here! here i am! Heart wide open with no words to write but soul pouring out.
and i say to my Lord
"i want all you have to give to me and i will not run away."

2007-12-17T22:13:00.001-06:00

OK i'm on a roll! This is my darling son.

2007-12-17T22:02:00.000-06:00

This is my Granny Lampert. Isn't she sweet?

pictures!

2007-12-17T19:41:00.001-06:00

ok Lord knows i try.
computers are so expensive, and seem to take up alot of time. This is one of the reasons that we seem to go through alot of VERY OLD and VERY SLOW computers, which end up being very troublesome, and take up more even more time.

I have been trying to save photos on this computer so i can upload them gracefully onto this blog. It is suppose to happen like ballet. Beautiful. Effortless. and in a tutu.

We'll see.

(i wrote this while waiting ten minutes for a photo to upload, after taking an hour to figure out how to do it!
But, IT WORKED!!!!!!!! Yippie!)

the favor of God and the lameness of me

2007-11-29T13:10:00.000-06:00

We went out to this restaurant nearby last night, because, hey, kids eat free on wednesday nights. After we were in there a while and my kids were being......, well, kids, there was a lady near us kind of staring, i noticed with my peripheral vision. And i thought she was probably thinking about how misbehaved my kids were and i was offended. my heart was like "Whatever lady."
So i turned to her and to my surprize she had a huge smile on her face and she said "you have such a beautiful little boy" and through tears told me how he looked like her grandson. As she got up to leave she told us to have a "very blessed holiday" and while she walked on, i couldn't help but smile. Derek said, "wow that was pretty cool" I thought so too.

Then there was another lady a couple of tables away. and I noticed her in a not very nice way either. because she was very overweight and had to be pushed in a wheelchair, and was eating ALOT and at some point was on the phone discussing medical things with someone that involved her internal organs, and i was trying to eat dutch food.
So as we were getting up to leave, i happened to walk by her and when my eyes met hers, she was all aglow. She said " i saw that you have such a nice family, and i would like to give you this gift certificate. Have a merry christmas."

I was made aware again last night that i am not at all as patient or loving as i would like people to believe, and also
just a LITTLE humbled , and blessed, as things like this happen all the time and i know it is just the favor of God, because we love him and he loves us.
And thank goodness, he shows us our faults, so we have the blessed opportunity to surrender over and over again, while his love washes us and changes us.

2007-11-27T23:24:00.000-06:00

so i made a nice little post a couple of days ago, and then the computer wouldn't work.
that was dumb.
So here i am again. Hello.
It is cold down in this computer office dungeon. and damp. ok not damp, but it seem like it should be.
My whole world is sleeping upstairs, and well, i cannot let all this peace and quite get away from me, so........ must stay up just a little longer.
Today we went for the shortest walk ever. It was already dark, and the xmas lights are starting to appear, so i thought, "hey little kids love this kind of stuff, lets go" so we spent sometime bundling up. winter coats, warm fuzzy boots(don't mind the goose poop on serenity's, its frozen goose poop anyways) hats mittens scarves . ok lets go. serenity has been really excited and so she jumps on her bike and sits there, 6 feet from the door, and says " mommy, i don't think i want to go for a walk anymore" this is a huge deal. my kids love the ourdoors.
well we went down half a block and came back after oooohing and aaaaahing at a few houses.
Quick run back in.
i don't even know what the temperature is. It isn't really that cold, acording to minnesota standards. I just miss being outside comfortably.

But i am glad to be in rochester, there are more people here!

2007-11-23T16:05:00.000-06:00

my cousin just sent me an email entitled "i have learned". she makes lots of little squiggly marks and a lesson after each one. which i thought was a good idea. then i started thinking about what i have learned in the last year.
so, i have learned
One main thing

-to rest. We came here a year and a half ago from california, kind of beat up and worn out feeling. looking for refuge from the storm we'd been in (spiritually speaking). We spent alot of time a bit stressed, feeling like "what a we doing here?" "how are we making a difference?"
like we want our lives to count for something, we don't want to have regrets in the end. If i died tommorrow (which i could) what do i have to show for my life? Our lives are so short, and there is only one thing that matters.
our souls long for God, and we will not just hang our and be lawn ornaments, or whatever. We are determined to seek his face and long for our souls to be satisfied in Him alone.
So the resting thing.
well God has changed my heart in a way that all my passion has been pouring into prayer. and now i sit. like a seed waiting to be blown by Him. "with my wings spread out I wait" I know i will not bear any fruit unless we are planted by God.

Now we are learning (kind of relearning) to be faithful- to the max, with what he gives us each day, and trust him.

2007-11-20T22:48:00.000-06:00

hello!!!!!
i have a working computer!!!! this is exciting, i hope. we have it hidden downstairs in a dark cold office type of room, which , i hope, will discourage me from wasting all my time on it.
and TA DA......! We have a house! i feel so grown up. my own ground outside to dig in, my own walls to paint.
man i am tired and have absolutley NO creative flow WHATsoever right now. this must be so boring to read. I feel bad for you right now.
i am going to go, but will be updating often.
bye

2007-08-21T18:16:00.000-05:00

hello.
just wanted to let everyone know that we are fine.
there was some major flooding in se minnesota. our town was hit. not as bad as others though, we got away with only basement flooding.

our computer has been broken and just on the back burner to fix. so yeah. thats why i haven't written and may not for a little while. but we are doing well. issac walks!! and we are about to start round four of homeschooling (3rd grade).

love to you all.
shauna

2007-07-20T23:52:00.000-05:00

Oh my. Oh my. I am so tired. Been thinking of blogging for a while, but it is so much easier at the end of the day to surf on YouTube, than write. Yes, i am starting to like YouTube AND mochas.
Yikes, what ever happened to iced herbal tea, and fresh salmon. I miss the santa cruz farmers market, and the ocean.
Today Derek said he saw a sheep rodeo, where little kids were riding the sheep. I wished I was there, but Alas, i chose the easy route and stayed home with sleepy little ones. One of which had his very first birthday today!!!!!!!!!!! and took his first step! I am so proud of my little man. I love him so much. He also sat up in serenity's chair and ate his DINNER and CAKE with a spoon. He was feeling rather proud.
and he got a blue ball, which was rather exciting as well. He is very excited about balls. I mean, who isn't, they are fascinating, really.

and then, last friday, we had another birthday. a certain girl turned 3. Yes, and what a girl she is. Quite a princess, she was walking on clouds all day. When i ask her how old she is now, she carefully gets her three fingers out, tucking her thumb and pinky in her tiny palm, and when she knows they are placed just right, she says "i'm FREE"
I think that the cake was the highlight of the day, because she is a huge sweet tooth, and i made a big CHOCOLATE cake just for HER. this was amazing, as you can plainly see. she kept saying "its my berfday, and i can have cake." and "can i have more cake?" and "where's the cake?"
this went on through the next day because we had leftover cake. I think i'll make a smaller cake next time.
we did camp for her birthday, which was fun. the kids roasted hot dogs and smores, eww gross, i know. but they liked it. i think they like it most because it is an excuse to play in the fire.
and the little ones get so excited about the tent, as soon as its up isaac especially went inside and yipped and squealed his delight and he crawled back and forth throwing himself onto the feather bed, and hiding under the covers only to peak out and hide again. and roll around and squeal again. He's quite a bundle of JOY.

And they caught fireflies in jars. I love fireflies. One of my friends got married outside in iowa, and as dusk rolled up and they were starting the reception, ........Fireflies came out. i freaked out, because i thought it was such a magical thing to have as part of your wedding day. i mean forget about buying butterflies to release . this was just a simple beautiful gift from the Father of lights.

well,...... love to everyone.
Goodnight.

2007-07-01T23:25:00.000-05:00

today was sooooo relaxing.
we went down to the nearby state park, and "day camped " at our favorite spot. near by the swimming hole, and right next to the creek. its this tucked away ,private spot, near where alot of folks pass to swim. so we get the best of both worlds (all though i don't know if it would really be considered two different WORLDS) i mean either way you're in the woods.
in the woods. ahh. i love to be in the woods, with a river nearby. i brought my little "wildflowers of minnesota" field guide and i was identifying up a storm. i identified wild parsnip, white clover, false Solomons seal, and heal all. i would love to be a naturalist, well maybe i am already. i read somewhere that teaching science to kids should start with making them naturalists before scientists, because they have such a curiosity for nature already.
isaac and i took a nap outside, (i love sleeping outside)
and we rode bikes a bit.
we also met some folks who were Hutterite, which is similar to amish or mennonite. they have the same roots, but Hutterites live communally, as in on the same farm, and all their belongings including money is pooled together. they also speak a dialect of german. anyhow it was interesting, except for the fact that i think the man was hitting on me. i mean, are they allowed to even do that? I was pretty sure that he saw i was married.
so thats my day , in a nutshell.
love. mooah!

2007-07-01T00:16:00.000-05:00

a few BRIGHT ORANGE FLOWERS that i love:
butterfly weed (native to minnesota)
california poppy (native to california of course)
and calendula (native to somewhere , i'm sure)

besides that, there are a few other things i could right about like:
-all the wild black raspberry's we have been picking, and how we came upon the mother lode black raspberry patch while on a family bike ride
-how bike riding together has revolutionized our lives
-or about how i have been wondering why some people just feel like home
-our trip to kansas city
-dereks lone adventure to nashville
-jesus coming back in the clouds
-horton hears a who
-thrush, and icky gentian violet
- benjamin west and his cat grimalkin (a book i am reading with winter and she loves so much she wrote her "tag" in it , which is her name in graffiti, and then she realized it was a library book, and trying to fix the problem, gobbed on the last bit of white out we had in the bottle, which just didn't work, so then we both took turns scraping it off. i hope the library doesn't mind)
-finally starting to speak my kids love languages, though i think isaacs is pretty limited to nursing right now. he is definitely way more into that than anything.
-secret snuggles
-fasting
-or the recent family reunion.
yes i have lots of topics i'd like to write about.
maybe i'll pick one tomorrow.

2007-06-17T23:04:00.001-05:00

i am not sure what to write now. i love writing and am so glad to have a cute little apple to write on.
today i heard someone say something along the lines of, "if you don't have a relationship with God, it will show up in your relationships with others." like if you have problems developing relationships with people, then, perhaps, your relationship with the Lord isn't , i don't know, up to par, maybe. like you don't have one? i don't know.
i mean, we all have some kind of relationship with God, good or bad. it can be deep and beautiful , or rebellious and sad. maybe we just like to pretend he isn't there.
anyhow, all choose to pursue or not pursue that relationship. just like any relationship. it is up to you, how close you are. God is in constant pursuit of us, that is not the question. so it is up to us. but it takes humility. i suppose for any relationship to be authentic, and real, worth living and dying for, you must be humble, and vulnerable. you must be willing to expose your self in all your best and worst.
my thoughts are i guess that i have been at a wall, so to speak, for a while, with people. i loved when we lived in community. it was heavenly, but even then i had a problem, where i felt like i couldn't connect with people the way i wanted to, and especially now, being at home with my children. after a while at the land, i just withdrew. and i do that still.
i guess i just want to know how to break that withdrawl cycle. and how to be unashamedly real with God and others. but need to start with Him.
But how do i do that? i like to feel like i have come to a place where i can say i really know something, like look how far i have come. a + b= c . its easy. but it is not, and i find myself having to reveal myself again, to be humble again, and to lay everything down again. to be vulnerable again. i guess i just want to live in the place of constant unashamedness, and vulnerability. where i can feel free to grow in healthy relationship with others, and HIM of course.
hmmmm.
well posting this would be rather vulnerable, so i suppose i could start there.
post aWAY!!!!!!!!

2007-06-13T23:35:00.000-05:00

we had an interesting conversation with our 8 year old the other day.

we were all sitting around the table eating dinner and she said "you know what happens sometimes?" and of course we were all like "what?" and she said "well sometimes when i am playing with all my friends, i start to not want to play, so i just stand back a little and watch everyone. and then i hear this music in my head" so i was like "huh, that's cool, what did it sound like?" and of course my comical husband starts singing the possibilities. he started off with a tune and sang words like "i really don't feel like playing right now so I'm just going to sit here and watch because i don't feel like playing right now." and she was like " um no it wasn't like that" so he tries the same words with more of a reggae beat. well i guess that wasn't it either. so i think maybe its like something deep so i say "was it like worship music?" because she must be thinking of God or something eternal right, i mean that is what i do when i people watch. and she was like " no, is sounds like this" and she goes into a little tune that sounds alot like the very first level of the very first mario bros game. ya know before you go down the tube, where the music gets weird? this is the peppy music before that.
then she said "yeah and it makes me get into a mood to play, so then i stop watching and play more."

isn't that silly?

2007-06-10T13:47:00.000-05:00

i really like this poem and have come across it alot in my kids poetry books.
enjoy.

Who has seen the wind?
Neither I nor you:
But when the leaves hang trembling,
The wind is passing through.

Who has seen the wind?
Neither you nor I:
But when the leaves bow down their heads,
The wind is passing by.

~Christina G. Rossetti

2007-06-08T23:33:00.000-05:00

another day gone bye, never to be retrieved again. what did i plant today, that i will harvest later? hope something good. so often at the end of the day i feel like, "what the heck just happened?" like a whole day just whizzed bye, and all i remember is messes, diapers, being frustrated, and hoping kids would take a nap and give me a little rest. honestly. Like i just spent a day uselessly trying to hide from my kids and living on the edge of meltdown. so often i feel like a failure.
But then i have to remind myself of the good points. like today when i drug myself out on a bike ride with the kids, and while serenity sat in the chair behind me and said "you have a skirt on and i have a dress on" connecting the two in her mind , and then hugging me from the back while we were riding and saying " i LOVE you momma" at least two times.
and i did get to read to winter today (which is what she loves and always asks for). and she did spend hours this morning enveloped in the BIBLE on tape, while she painted, colored, and sculpted.
and i did get to kiss isaac ALOT today and he laughed quite a bit.
oh and the girls did the dishes, together! hoorah!

ok life is not so bad, and my kids are wonderful. sometimes a woman just needs a break, be it ever so small, to get her mind refreshed. maybe i'll try that tomorrow.

2007-06-06T22:27:00.000-05:00

so i think we are buying a house. (fingers crossed) It is weird because i have never aspired to home owning, give me a tent or a box i'm fine. simplicity, and love right. and well i see things differently now. i still don't think home owning is like some kind of mountain peak or anything, but definitely full of character building lessons, like stewardship, etc. not to mention that if i lived in a box with my husband and three kids, someone would probably call social services. and if i want to adopt kids or do some kind of foster care thing, and a social worker came to see my house, well, lets just say that i might not get the job.

and being "tied down" has always been a little scary for me. and that is something you may imagine coming with home owning. well, i am thinking different about that too. I am starting to see that to grow strong, or build solid, you have to let your roots grow. being uprooted all the time is hard for a plant, and equally hard for a human. and the power of covenant, and sacrificial love. that's what you can build on. I am sure that we will be traveling at some point in time. it is just in us. but i know this way that it won't be without foundation and purpose.

so here we go.........wheeeeeeeeeeee.

2007-06-06T00:49:00.001-05:00

I really like food. Yesterday my family and i were in a park in the city and gathered around a huge chunk of juicy watermelon, and i discovered a new found passion for the fruit. it is like no other melon. the water part. all other melons bow down to the watermelon. it is even way bigger. and when you bite into it there are little cells of juicy explosions. You almost inevitably cannot contain it, as the juice spills out of the corners of your mouth. wet hands. wet table. wet children. I was glad we were eating outside and not in our kitchen.

Right now i am fantasizing about a big thick bowl (preferably in hand made pottery) of split pea rosemary soup (with great grandmas silver sugar spoon). and a thick slice of homemade wheat bread with soft hand churned butter spread on top. First i would take a picture, then eat it outside on my porch, if it was daytime. and bask. just bask.

man i am hungry, maybe i should eat something. now would be a very bad time to go grocery shopping.

2007-06-01T21:53:00.000-05:00

hi, i promise that i'll get this blogging thing figured out, like how to link things, and all the fancy stuff, but you'll have to be patient with me. I tend to be a little slow with new things like that. its kind of like trying to pave a new road through the wildlands of my brain. But once its paved, I'll be able to travel lots faster.

so winter has been at the farm for a couple of days now, eating way too much candy, i'm sure, and frying her brain on television. "Why'd i leave her there?", you may wonder. well that's not ALL she does. she is also spending tons of time mingling with grandma, playing board games, riding bikes, and talking and talking and talking. she can be quite a chatterbox if given the opportunity. And she got to go down to the neighbors and help them with chores, which is her number one favorite thing. Her job is usually to clean up cow poo, and she loves it, go figure. Well she also gets to play with kitties and feed calves, and hold baby chicks, AND talk and talk to the sisters who she does the chores with. and they adore her.

It is her well deserved vacation, as i see it. She helps me so much around here with the little ones and well, she's just amazing and it was a delight to see the look on her face when we said "sure you can stay hunny."

so her last few days have been 8 year old girl heaven and i can't wait to pick her up tomorrow, because, ........we all terribbly miss her sweet face. Its funny how a family is so different when one person is gone. We just miss her presence.

We love you Winnie!!!!!!

2007-05-28T18:29:00.000-05:00

yeah!!!! happy day! i have been wanting to write, but haven't had internet, and of course forgot my password and all that, had to go through a maze of links with slow internet to arrive at this momenteous occasion!! alleluiah!
i am here, oh what do i do now? shoot. well. got step one figured out. I'll come back with something good to say.

2007-02-11T21:52:00.000-06:00

Right now we are down at my parents farm. 160 acres in southeastern Minnesota bluff lands, surrounded by state forest, overlooking cliffs and the mighty Mississippi. An ex- dairy farm, beautiful land. Supporting a small herd of cattle still, and many wild animals. Waiting for the birds to return, and calling me to rest. Right now it is about 10 degrees outside and snowing, hope we can make it down the hill in the morning.
I love it here. It is so familiar, and I am in constant wonder at the privilege we have to be able to be here, and share this magical land with my kids. Today we went ice skating on one of the three ponds on the farm. This one is the best. It is visible from the house, in an old cow pasture, surrounded by trees. Kind of picturesque. Sorry i don't have a picture. I'll get one. Promise.

2007-02-11T21:41:00.000-06:00

So, here I am. I have been wanting to start blogging for a while. My friend Rachel's is so fun to read, and encouraging, and well, I figure I have things to share too, right?
We'll see, huh.