i am not sure what to write now. i love writing and am so glad to have a cute little apple to write on.
today i heard someone say something along the lines of, "if you don't have a relationship with God, it will show up in your relationships with others." like if you have problems developing relationships with people, then, perhaps, your relationship with the Lord isn't , i don't know, up to par, maybe. like you don't have one? i don't know.
i mean, we all have some kind of relationship with God, good or bad. it can be deep and beautiful , or rebellious and sad. maybe we just like to pretend he isn't there.
anyhow, all choose to pursue or not pursue that relationship. just like any relationship. it is up to you, how close you are. God is in constant pursuit of us, that is not the question. so it is up to us. but it takes humility. i suppose for any relationship to be authentic, and real, worth living and dying for, you must be humble, and vulnerable. you must be willing to expose your self in all your best and worst.
my thoughts are i guess that i have been at a wall, so to speak, for a while, with people. i loved when we lived in community. it was heavenly, but even then i had a problem, where i felt like i couldn't connect with people the way i wanted to, and especially now, being at home with my children. after a while at the land, i just withdrew. and i do that still.
i guess i just want to know how to break that withdrawl cycle. and how to be unashamedly real with God and others. but need to start with Him.
But how do i do that? i like to feel like i have come to a place where i can say i really know something, like look how far i have come. a + b= c . its easy. but it is not, and i find myself having to reveal myself again, to be humble again, and to lay everything down again. to be vulnerable again. i guess i just want to live in the place of constant unashamedness, and vulnerability. where i can feel free to grow in healthy relationship with others, and HIM of course.
hmmmm.
well posting this would be rather vulnerable, so i suppose i could start there.
post aWAY!!!!!!!!

we had an interesting conversation with our 8 year old the other day.

we were all sitting around the table eating dinner and she said "you know what happens sometimes?" and of course we were all like "what?" and she said "well sometimes when i am playing with all my friends, i start to not want to play, so i just stand back a little and watch everyone. and then i hear this music in my head" so i was like "huh, that's cool, what did it sound like?" and of course my comical husband starts singing the possibilities. he started off with a tune and sang words like "i really don't feel like playing right now so I'm just going to sit here and watch because i don't feel like playing right now." and she was like " um no it wasn't like that" so he tries the same words with more of a reggae beat. well i guess that wasn't it either. so i think maybe its like something deep so i say "was it like worship music?" because she must be thinking of God or something eternal right, i mean that is what i do when i people watch. and she was like " no, is sounds like this" and she goes into a little tune that sounds alot like the very first level of the very first mario bros game. ya know before you go down the tube, where the music gets weird? this is the peppy music before that.
then she said "yeah and it makes me get into a mood to play, so then i stop watching and play more."

isn't that silly?

i really like this poem and have come across it alot in my kids poetry books.
enjoy.


Who has seen the wind?
Neither I nor you:
But when the leaves hang trembling,
The wind is passing through.

Who has seen the wind?
Neither you nor I:
But when the leaves bow down their heads,
The wind is passing by.

~Christina G. Rossetti

another day gone bye, never to be retrieved again. what did i plant today, that i will harvest later? hope something good. so often at the end of the day i feel like, "what the heck just happened?" like a whole day just whizzed bye, and all i remember is messes, diapers, being frustrated, and hoping kids would take a nap and give me a little rest. honestly. Like i just spent a day uselessly trying to hide from my kids and living on the edge of meltdown. so often i feel like a failure.
But then i have to remind myself of the good points. like today when i drug myself out on a bike ride with the kids, and while serenity sat in the chair behind me and said "you have a skirt on and i have a dress on" connecting the two in her mind , and then hugging me from the back while we were riding and saying " i LOVE you momma" at least two times.
and i did get to read to winter today (which is what she loves and always asks for). and she did spend hours this morning enveloped in the BIBLE on tape, while she painted, colored, and sculpted.
and i did get to kiss isaac ALOT today and he laughed quite a bit.
oh and the girls did the dishes, together! hoorah!

ok life is not so bad, and my kids are wonderful. sometimes a woman just needs a break, be it ever so small, to get her mind refreshed. maybe i'll try that tomorrow.

so i think we are buying a house. (fingers crossed) It is weird because i have never aspired to home owning, give me a tent or a box i'm fine. simplicity, and love right. and well i see things differently now. i still don't think home owning is like some kind of mountain peak or anything, but definitely full of character building lessons, like stewardship, etc. not to mention that if i lived in a box with my husband and three kids, someone would probably call social services. and if i want to adopt kids or do some kind of foster care thing, and a social worker came to see my house, well, lets just say that i might not get the job.

and being "tied down" has always been a little scary for me. and that is something you may imagine coming with home owning. well, i am thinking different about that too. I am starting to see that to grow strong, or build solid, you have to let your roots grow. being uprooted all the time is hard for a plant, and equally hard for a human. and the power of covenant, and sacrificial love. that's what you can build on. I am sure that we will be traveling at some point in time. it is just in us. but i know this way that it won't be without foundation and purpose.


so here we go.........wheeeeeeeeeeee.

I really like food. Yesterday my family and i were in a park in the city and gathered around a huge chunk of juicy watermelon, and i discovered a new found passion for the fruit. it is like no other melon. the water part. all other melons bow down to the watermelon. it is even way bigger. and when you bite into it there are little cells of juicy explosions. You almost inevitably cannot contain it, as the juice spills out of the corners of your mouth. wet hands. wet table. wet children. I was glad we were eating outside and not in our kitchen.

Right now i am fantasizing about a big thick bowl (preferably in hand made pottery) of split pea rosemary soup (with great grandmas silver sugar spoon). and a thick slice of homemade wheat bread with soft hand churned butter spread on top. First i would take a picture, then eat it outside on my porch, if it was daytime. and bask. just bask.

man i am hungry, maybe i should eat something. now would be a very bad time to go grocery shopping.

hi, i promise that i'll get this blogging thing figured out, like how to link things, and all the fancy stuff, but you'll have to be patient with me. I tend to be a little slow with new things like that. its kind of like trying to pave a new road through the wildlands of my brain. But once its paved, I'll be able to travel lots faster.

so winter has been at the farm for a couple of days now, eating way too much candy, i'm sure, and frying her brain on television. "Why'd i leave her there?", you may wonder. well that's not ALL she does. she is also spending tons of time mingling with grandma, playing board games, riding bikes, and talking and talking and talking. she can be quite a chatterbox if given the opportunity. And she got to go down to the neighbors and help them with chores, which is her number one favorite thing. Her job is usually to clean up cow poo, and she loves it, go figure. Well she also gets to play with kitties and feed calves, and hold baby chicks, AND talk and talk to the sisters who she does the chores with. and they adore her.

It is her well deserved vacation, as i see it. She helps me so much around here with the little ones and well, she's just amazing and it was a delight to see the look on her face when we said "sure you can stay hunny."

so her last few days have been 8 year old girl heaven and i can't wait to pick her up tomorrow, because, ........we all terribbly miss her sweet face. Its funny how a family is so different when one person is gone. We just miss her presence.

We love you Winnie!!!!!!